Time jokes

I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?

Your mama is so fat, by the time I swerved to miss her with the car, I ran out of gas.

What's the only time a Pentagon has four sides? When a plane intercepts into it.

What goes up but never comes down?

I poo 11 times a day.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"

Yo momma's so old that even scientists get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!

When I saw Stephen Hawking for the first time, I knew he had been in a shop!!! I lieeeeeeeeed! 🤣🤣🤣

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

What’s red and white and black all over?

A dead white man at night time!

I looked at your hairline, and when I saw you, I thought to myself of the last time I was a baby.

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar?

They don’t have fathers or Mother’s Day.

What time is it when you have a toothache?

2:30 (Tooth hurty).

Why did the man get fired from work? Because he took two days off in February.

If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that F was the villain (Alphabet Lore), I would be rich.

Every time I make a 9/11 joke, it bombs.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.

"What time is it?"

"Daytime."