Time jokes
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
X: Morning, sunshine!
Y: Oh, yeah. 30 minutes more.
What did the clock say when it got punched at noon?
It’s twelve o'clock.
If her age is on the timer, I don't care if she's a minor.
This one time I said that John Cena looks like crap.
But I realized I can't see him. LOL!
Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.
You wanna hear a joke?
Two Emos hanging out under a tree.
How many Emos does it take to commit suicide? Way too fucking many, because they never get it right the first time!
Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.
I’ll never forget the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying.
My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...
We don't see each other very much.
A man walks in to the doctor.
He says, "Doctor, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."
Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you!!!
Ok, I found this off of an internet meme, this isn't original:
*grabbing kid* Harambe: Ok kid, I don't have much time, but Obama's last name is- *gunshot*
In a thick Russian accent:
"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."
One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.
The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.
What kind of rape victim has a shower ten times a day?
The type that gets raped a lot.
One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)
It took Jesus 3 days to respond.
Worst lag ever!
A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So what will it be this time?" The penguin doesn't answer because it's a penguin.
What time do dogs 🐕 get a walk done ✅?
Time to walk with your dog 🐶!
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!