Time jokes

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Yo mama so old, she was there when Moses was born.

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

When do eggs hatch?

At the CRACK of dawn!

Will you remember me in 7 years?

(Yes)

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha

One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.

But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

There was a dino at the library today.

It was reading a thesaurus.

Hey, guess what I got for my birthday.

No, what did you get? Older.

Is it weird that a milk carton has a date, and I don’t?

The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

A 6-year-old told the class the first time she got AIDS. The teacher listened. She said she scraped her knee. The girl was sent to an asylum. When she got out, she was 20. She had AIDS.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.