Time jokes
My friend says, "Time flies when having fun," so when he was gaming, I threw his clock to test that theory.
If a kid does not go to sleep during nap time, isn't he resisting a rest?
What does Stephen Hawking say after sex? That was wheely good.
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday. 🤭
The clock struck one!
Then down did come!
Hickory dickory doc
What am I?
Random- a mouse?
Me- no dumb shit!
Random- what is it?
Me- the guillotine!
My sister got mad when I told her to say this word 10 times, and she got in trouble, and it was a funny word that she did not even know what she was saying, ahhahaha! 😆 lol
I worked at a calendar factory, but I got the sack for taking a few days off!
A man gets arrested after writing "MORBID JOKES COMING OUT THIS TIME NEXT YEAR!" and "I'm gay!"
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!
Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.
69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120
58008 (flip calculator)
Boobless.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
How do you turn your dog into a watchdog?
Get it a Rolex!
I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months.
Worst joke ever.
What did the robber say to the clock? Hands up!
Why did Jimmy throw his clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.