Time jokes
What's the difference between 20 and 14?
9 to 10 years.
We spend the weekend getting the poop out!
I was born yesterday, and I walked down memory lane. I fell over the edge!
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."
My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"
So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.
Glad to present you a wood clock.
https://olegon.ru/clock/
Julius Caesar is Roman? More like romaine (salad), and to make the best salad, you stab it 23 times until the Caesar salad, romaine salad, is fresh.
A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.
The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!
The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”
Little Jimmy has 5 red apples. His dad's car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.
My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.
Why do women like Pac-Man so much?
How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?
When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.
Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.
He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.
He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.
Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"
The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
Spy: Hahaha.
Me: What?
Spy: Time to pick up your mother.
Me: Oh no....