Time Jokes

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

The number 13? Not on my watch!

Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"

If it is someone's birthday, say this for a joke:

"A long time ago in a far away galaxy...

YOU WERE BORN!"

A guy goes to the store to buy thyme.

When he got back to put the thyme away he realized he still had thyme left. This was all for nothing, it was just a big waste of your thyme.

I had amnesia once... maybe twice.

I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...

I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.

Stupid joke about Stephen Hawking that wasn't funny the first fucking time.

Why do I call my dog a vibrator?

Because every time my dog acts like a dildo, I beat him, and when I beat him, he shakes. What do you call a shaking dildo? A vibrator, therefore I call my dog a vibrator.

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

Have you tried eating a clock?

It's time-consuming!

Three people having sex is a threesome; two people is a twosome. So next time someone calls you "handsome," don't take it as a compliment.

A whale went to the country Wales for vacation.

When it ended, what did he say? "I had a whale of a time!"

Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator.

Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222), so she went to the doctor on 51st street (6922251), and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)

Boobless.

Say "toast" three times. Spell "toast" three times. What do you put in a toaster? The answer?

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.

Why are birds good at social media?

Because they "tweet" all the time!?