Thing jokes
My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:
Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*
What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?
Their ankles.
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...
My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!
What did the homeless person get for Christmas?
- Nothing.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.
When I hotline bling, I only need one thing.
I talk with a friend about something and there comes Quandangle, things with his shoes, and I'm just like, "Bro, what the heeeeel?"
The 2nd worst thing that happened to an orphan was finding out the milk man passed.
I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.
Here are some rules to make a good joke:
1: Don't say “my life.”
2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.
3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).
What was the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
There once was a bear and a rabbit, and they hated each other.
The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a mystical talking tree. The tree said: “I can give you 3 wishes each if you will stop fighting!”
So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears inside the forest are ladies.” And all the bears within the forest became females.
The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet, and the bear looks at him funny.
The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the United States are ladies.” The wish was granted.
The rabbit says, “I wish I’ve a bike.” By this point, the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. The rabbit could wish for cash and have all the bikes in the world.
The bear says: “I wish all the bears inside the world are women.” The wish is granted.
While it’s the rabbit’s turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, and says: “I wish that bear is gay.”
What’s better than the best thing ever?
Me being mod.
Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"
"Africa," the parrot replied.
Three cowboys are at a fire talking about the best things they have done.
Cowboy 1 says, "I have taken out a whole group of raiders with my bare hands."
Cowboy 2 says, "I have killed a herd of bulls with my thumb."
Cowboy 3 chuckles as he mixes the fire with his dick.
My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.
What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.