Thing Jokes

Depression

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Friend

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

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  • Depression

    if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

    School shooting

    An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

    Bullet

    What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.

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  • Autobiography

    Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

    Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

    Me: It's an autobiography.

    Attempt

    Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

    My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

    9mm

    There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

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  • Job Interview

    I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

    "Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

    Suicidal person

    What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

    "If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

    Pill

    Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

    Video Game

    My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

    Noose

    Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.

    The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"

    He grabs a noose.

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  • Emo kid

    What do you call a group of Emo kids?

    Suicide Squad.

    What jumps and never let's go?

    An Emo kid.

    I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.

    Dead.

    Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?

    The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.

    Twin Towers

    Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 911 victims?

    Well, probably their kneecaps.

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  • Pregnancy

    A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

    My name, my address, and my phone number.

    Dad

    Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.