Thing jokes

What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

A man had 10 dead and bloody babies in the middle of his living room. The police suddenly knocked on his door. What is the hardest thing to hide?

- A boner.

A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

Schools in the hood are kind of the same thing. I always seem to get shot.

Fail and fall mean the same thing when it’s downstairs.

What was the last thing Stephen Hawking said before he died?

"Windows Shut Down."

What's the best thing about 20-1 year olds... there's 20.

So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3

What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."

Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.

Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.

What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!

One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.

Two emos are dating, and the most romantic thing they have ever done is slit each other's wrists.

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

The Twin Towers traded planes with Afghanistan. The only thing is Afghanistan got scammed.

When someone throws something at your forehead, it stops moving and goes into orbit around your forehead.

I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.