Thing jokes

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

What's the good thing about child perverts?

They drive slow in a school zone.

Have anyone seen my balls? I can't find them on my chest.

Hey! My balls are on your thing!

I like touching things that have been in space. I was super excited when I got to meet an astronaut.

Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?

They're the same thing.

The thing about 9/11 and the jokes about it, for most people it flew over their head, for some it flew into their head.

What is the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid?

"I like ya cut G" means two different things.

What’s the bravest thing a man can do?

Say, “I’m going to get milk!” to his wife and kids.

Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?

Thing 2: I don't know, what?

Thing 1: One gets hard faster.

Hey, join me. I be near the tree. Bring things to.

What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!

When I got to you and I was android and we were all in Minecraft for the last two years and we had the same problem UI with you anymore but you can see it on Instagram that it is not a real time thing or a android.

MMM ppl just chat random things together.... JUST WRITE JOKES YA'LL!

Sorry man... I kinda messed those things up.

What similarities do peeping Toms and spies share?

They both see things they shouldn't.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

Having cockroaches in the house is a sign that you've food.

These things are like Ugandan girls, they hate poverty.

What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?

There's no stage 5.

My three favorite things are eating my family, and not using commas.

If a black person calls you a cracker, let them say it. You can say things they can't say, like, "Thanks for the warning, officer!"