That jokes
Your forehead is so big that it couldn’t handle an acute angle.
I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"
What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?
The depressed person can scan themself.
Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?
Kids: Because you're a psycho path.
I have a fish that can break dance. Only for about 20 seconds, and only once.
My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.
If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?
What do you call a train that likes toffee?
A chew-chew train.
Yo mama is so ugly that the Grinch fell out when he saw her!
I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.
What did the blind kid say after touching the emo kid’s hand?
“I ain’t reading all that.”
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?
Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?
When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”
A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"
This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”
The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”
The third blonde says “so we go at night.”
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?
Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...
Son: Am I kidnapped?
Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.