That jokes

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.

Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.

"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.

"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that's what I say.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.

There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

I told the emo girl that I bet she's jealous of the hanging lights in the gym.

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!