That jokes

What did Stephen Hawking say—I mean, type—when he saw a beautiful woman?

"That's the best shag I never had."

What do emo cuts and emo poetry have in common?

"It's not that deep."

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar.

Oh, is that how he ended up in a wheelchair?

Donald Trump is so smart he got to take a cognitive test 4 times.

And if you think that's impressive, wait until you hear how many times he got to retake first grade.

What do you call cheese that is not your cheese?

Not yo cheese!

Yo mama is so hairy that she uses a lawn mower to shave.

Yo mama is so nasty that she sucked your dad's dick and came in to kiss you goodnight.

So I was sitting on my couch, watching this homophobic TV show all about "straight and great". But then I remember, "Aren't I part of the LGBTQ?"

So I say, "Oh my God, let's throw it out the window because that would be a good idea!" But then it gets run over by 123,456,789 cars. It gave me a $150,000 fine. Guess I'm broke.

Yo mama is so stupid that she called pest control for gym rats.

Yo mama is so old that she had the first written copy of the Bible.

"My love, I missed you."

"Aww, I missed you too."

"I did not miss *that* time!"

Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights. There’s no reason she needs to talk that much; it’s not like replying to her is voice activated.

The professor said, "I think this question raises a few problems."

The student replied, "That is not a question; that is an answer."

A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.

First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.

When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.

The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.

"Why did you move?" the German asked.

The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."

Oliver Tree just died in a helicopter crash?

He doesn't have to worry about that because, according to him, life goes onionionionionionionionionionion.

You think your friends get butthurt?

That's gay guys.

No matter how black the person is, that cum will still be the whitest thing you'll ever see.

Why are people that have bipolar disorder never on suicide watch?

Because they are always sucking dick.

You're so ugly that you made Hitler commit suicide.

You're so full of shit that you need a colostomy bag to clean you out.