That jokes

Yo mama so ugly that she's the reason monsters hide under the beds.

Yo mama is so black that she has her own solar system.

Yo mama is so Jewish that pennies run away from getting pinched by her.

Yo mama is so ugly that even scammers wouldn't go after her money.

Yo mama is so fat that she crushed her PlayStation profile.

You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.

You're so dark that even God's light can't shine upon you.

I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.

"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."

"That was when I went to Yale."

"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"

"Thanks! I really need this yob!"

I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.

"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."

A pair of Newfies decide to visit Toronto. They drive through Nova Scotia, through New Brunswick, through Montréal, Kingston, Oshawa... then they see a sign that says "Toronto Left", so they turn back around and go home.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That is the electrician's job. I am a specialist.

How many software engineers?

Again, none. It's a hardware problem.

How many computer programmers to change a light bulb?

Two, but one resigns halfway through the project.

Your family is so cheap that they won't even pay for the child support to keep you.

Your family is so messed up that they shared one brain cell to have you even exist.

If a girl is vegan and she's dating a transgender person, does that mean she's eating fake meat too?

I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...

I have no beef with them.

An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"

The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."

The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"

That's a knee slapper, or should I say, a wheel slapper?

I love your hair today.

How did you get it to come out your nose like that?

What do you call something that eats kids?

An upset mother.