That jokes

As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.

Did you guys know that Chancellor Palpatine is suing Nike?

Apparently, the company stole his slogan: Just "Do It."

My friend is so ugly, she got surgery twice, but not even that could fix her.

People keep telling me they hope Kenny never has kids.

I don't think that's a worry. His mom is much too old to get pregnant.

What do you call a cow that has stuff growing on it?

Mosscow

I was at a friend's place yesterday, and... There was a mother, father, three sons, and a daughter.

That night the mother and father started fucking each other. I yelled and told them there are innocent children in this house.

An hour later, they started up again. I walked to their room and they were asleep, so I looked in the brothers' room and all three brothers were fucking the sister.

I sighed at this. "Incest aside, you guys make a cute family." I started, "So Anna, when am I gonna have nieces and nephews?" They stopped instantly and went to sleep. "Thank you," I replied before walking back to my room they let me sleep in and I passed out for the rest of the night.

I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.

Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?

That's okay. There is really no point to it.

It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.

Is your ass jealous of the shit that came out of your fucking mouth?

Myrtle Beach has a clear blue sky and sunny weather, a pleasant place to visit as a family. Don't you think they are not evil creatures, and do you think they have them?

"No, there are no ghosts or evil creatures." You can say that, but don't be surprised when Gina Claw Scare comes for you, aka GCS for short. Gina Claw Scare was born in North Carolina in August 1991. She died in 2000. No, that's not real. WRONG. Gina's real name was Gina Clawien Scaren. Yes, that's why her name is Gina Claw Scare. Why did she die? I know, right? She died from a curse from her bad companions. We never knew their names. The curse sent her down a dark path, demons and hate comments from people on Instagram, Facebook, and the worst jokes on the site.

Gina Claw Scare loved fire, which means she was a pyromaniac. She would rise from the grave in which she was buried. Did what? Stop, for real this time!

They buried her on a lawn in the forest that caught fire. "HARSH MAN!" I know, right? She rises from that grave, she comes for the people who call her by name four times. Then she beat the drums and set your house on fire! A fire so harmful that you can feel hurt, friends. You can hear everyone's screaming, and then become like her. Never say her name. NEVER.

Yo mama is so fat that when she was at school, they needed a satellite to take her school photo.

What do you call a cow that doesn't stop shaking?

A milkshake.

What do you call a hippo that lays eggs? A eggoppotimos.

Doctor: I’m so sorry, sir, but you only have a couple months left.

The sir: My children will be devastated.

Doctor: But I have a shot that can change that.

The sir: Whatever it takes.

*Suppressed gunshots*

South Tower: Man, that was da bomb.

North Tower: No, that was da plane.

Teacher: "I used to be an orphan once."

Student: "That’s sad."

Teacher: "Anyways, who is away today?"

Student: "Your parents."

What is a four-legged animal called that can fly?

A donkey flying in the sky running away from me.

I hope you never find out whether that pressure in your ass is a fart or a shit.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.