That jokes

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she soon found herself homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a street next to a theater, not because it meant hefty handouts, but because it was a place where no other beggars or police bothered her. Every night, a new crowd came to see a show, and the cute young girl found just enough mercy to survive. In fact, she did so well that she decided to afford herself a small piece of cake every Tuesday, just to keep her spirits up.

One Tuesday, she could not get a break. Looked like she will go without cake this week. Then, a strange-looking gentleman stopped near her. He soon heard her story and decided to share his fortune.

Gentleman: "I work as a magician in the touring show; today, we performed here. Some nights, our guests want to gamble with us afterwards, and I make sure to bring home more than I came with. I try to keep it moderate, but today, this obnoxious drunk was loaded, so I emptied his pockets. Here, take this precious coin."

I'll unplug your life support for my phone that's about to die.

Grandma: You guy's generation is on too much technology.

Kid: Well, you're the ones that raised us.

Other family members: ...

Is that a bird? Is that a plane? It's a plane!

In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

The other day while I was going down on my grandma, I thought I tasted a little horse semen and I got to wondering if maybe that’s what killed her!

Yo mama so fat, that’s why people don’t want to marry her, except for fat guys.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

Q: What do you call a Mexican man that lost his car?

A: Carlos.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 1st grader.

What does an iPhone have that orphans do not?

Home buttons.

Yo mama so hairy that when she go to the hair salon they say, "No pets allowed."

"Ligma" is a disease, so does that mean "ligma balls?"

What do you call a selfie that an orphan takes?

A family picture.

What do you call a best friend that smokes weed?

A pothead. Just because he's your friend, you don't have to support his poor decisions. Jeez, what has America come to?

Why does a heterosexual man believe that if a heterosexual man gets his dick sucked by another heterosexual man it's called a "brojob"?

Because it's male bonding.

When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.

What did the fish say to the other fish when it got hooked?

"That's what you get for not keeping your mouth shut."