Tell jokes

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

SPOILER ALERT...

I was going to tell you a joke about Thanos, but T. S. snapped it away!

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?

Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

How do you tell if someone is depressed?

The brains on the wall.

If you have anger problems, hit an orphan, because who are they going to tell? Not their parents.

I like telling dad jokes.

He laughs at most of them.

What’s a reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.