Tell jokes

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

I would tell you a recycling joke.

But I’m afraid it’d just be reused over and over.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?

Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Roses are red,

I don't know what is brass.

I tell myself,

"Don't touch grass."

How do you tell if someone is depressed?

The brains on the wall.

If you have anger problems, hit an orphan, because who are they going to tell? Not their parents.

I like telling dad jokes.

He laughs at most of them.

A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."