Tell jokes

SPOILER ALERT...

I was going to tell you a joke about Thanos, but T. S. snapped it away!

How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?

Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.

The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Roses are red,

I don't know what is brass.

I tell myself,

"Don't touch grass."