Tell jokes
Kid: Dad, what's a dark joke?
Dad: Well, you see that guy over there? Tell him to wave.
Kid: But Dad, I'm blind.
Dad: Exactly, also the dude had no arm.
Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."
When your mum tells you to help your granny And you in plug life support.
You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!
How to make an orphan BLEED?
Step 1 - Tell them to clap until they actually have a loving family.
Step 2 - LAUGH EVILLY as they BLEED.
Step 3 - Tell them to kys.
Step 4 - Leave that mental asylum.
You have to tell this to a friend:
There are 30 cows in a field. 20 ate 28 chickens. How many didn't? A: 10
How can you tell if Google is a girl?
It makes suggestions before you finish your sentence!
If an orphan got hit, will they go tell their parents?
How do you tell the difference between a Communist and everybody else? The way they are spelled.
I was going to tell my dad a joke, but he still hasn't come back with the milk yet.
What's something you shouldn't tell a paraplegic that's being confronted by a bully?
Just walk away.
I can tell you an airplane joke, but it will probably fly over your head.
Why can you punch an orphan and get away with it?
Because what is he gonna do, tell his parents?
How can you tell a bow n' arrows scared?
He starts to quiver! ;)
How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.
When an orphan is playing baseball, how come the coach doesn't tell them to hit it home?
He has no home to hit to.
In response to a buddy saying they joined a golf club:
"Jfc, you’ve gone softer than your old man’s dick after your mom suggests a romantic night in! I swear to God you’re so fucking bougie."
(Pause)
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, while you were gone I got a weird call for you... Some Jeff guy? Said something about a loan..."
"Jeff who?"
"Bezos."
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.