Tell jokes

Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

How to make an orphan BLEED?

Step 1 - Tell them to clap until they actually have a loving family.

Step 2 - LAUGH EVILLY as they BLEED.

Step 3 - Tell them to kys.

Step 4 - Leave that mental asylum.

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

If I were alone on an island with Camilla Cabello, and we were never going to escape, I'd rape her. I mean, what is she going to do? Tell someone?

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

I would tell you a recycling joke.

But I’m afraid it’d just be reused over and over.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”