Short jokes
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
Russia and Ukraine are running a marathon. Who do you think won? Russia did. Russia gave Ukraine a migraine.
What's the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Little Johnny is smokin' hard, The sun looks like Mountain Dew.
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
You can't be short and depressed because you are compressed.
What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.
If a deaf person is at court, then is it still called a hearing?
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?
When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
Are you corona? Cuz it’s hard to breathe around you ;)
Why did the silly boy take the Christmas tree to a barber?
Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed.
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
What's the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H", but we all know which one we would like to do.
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
Why did the bee buzz off?
Because he had to bee somewhere.