Short jokes
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.
They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.
Why is rape worse than death?
Because dead people get way more attention.
I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
How did the necrophiliac get caught?
Some rotten cunt split on him....
I have 5 fingers and the middle one is for you
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs.
What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!
A new game the whole family can play...
Incest.
I know a woman who owns a taser. -- She's stunning!
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?
Throwing the cow across the lake.
Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?
A: They don't belong in buildings.
Having an abortion will make you so tired... it literally sucks the life out of you.
What would MLK Junior be if he was white?.........Alive.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?
A Twix.