Said jokes

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

Why did a Mexican go to Home Depot?

Because he thought it said "Home Deport."

I said to the emo girl, "She gets jealous every time her phone dies."

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: "You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code!"

Why did the cop ask the orphan if he was home alone?

The orphan said because my parents have never come back yet because I have none.

One person said you are much more beautiful than Cinderella. The next day, you're in court and Cinderella is the witness.

(P.S. she was born to be a drama queen.)

When you ask for plastic surgery, they said, "We could not fix you, but the only way is to wear a mask to fix your ugly face."

We gave Erik ten Hag 7-Up after Liverpool thrashed Man Utd 7-0. He said, "F**k you all!"

One man's trash is another man's treasure, he said when he found out his parents split up and he is being adopted.

Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."

I dressed up as Darth Vader at an orphanage and said, "I am your father!"

Your momma so fat when she stepped on one scale, it broke. When she got another one, it said "TBC." She looked in the mirror, it broke.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.