Said jokes

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

We asked our teacher many times for an atlas, and he said, "At last, you can have one!"

"I can't wait for Thanksgiving!" said the turkey.

I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.

Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.

I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

Yo mama so fat that when she landed on the moon, instead of saying "One small step for man kind," she said, "One small step for world domination!"

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

A police officer pulls a man over. "Hands in the air!"

The man said, "Okay."

Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?

It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.

I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

Yo mama's so stupid, when I said, "Drinks on the house," she got a ladder.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

The plane said to the tower, "You're so cute, I want to come crashing into your arms!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."