Said jokes

Why are orphans running around the world after the baseball coach said, "Go home"?

Because he didn’t know what the hell to do.

Yo mama so fat, a bus ran into her and she said, "WHO THREW THAT TWINKIE AT ME?!"

A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.

First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.

When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.

The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.

"Why did you move?" the German asked.

The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."

I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.

I gave my sister a compliment and said she's pretty, then while she was saying thanks, I said, "pretty ugly."

Me: You are pretty. Her: Thanks. Me: Pretty ugly.

I wanna date you.

Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.

You're so ugly, Hello Kitty said goodbye.

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

I had a teacher named Mr. Stubs. I asked why he was given that name, and he replied, "My parents said my limbs were spare parts."

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

I saw some kids bullying a kid in a wheelchair. I grabbed the kid, pushed him down the stairs, and said, "GTA physics."

The teacher asks me what my favourite word is.

I said it but got told off and sent to the principal.

What is my favourite word?

In the French school, four sentences must be written. Fritz heard his mother say, "Close the door!"

Fritz went to his uncle and heard, "Yes, I'll put it there."

Then he came to his brother who said, "They call me Superman, hahaha!"

Finally, his sister looked at a photo and said, "Wow!"

The next day, the teacher said, "Okay, Fritz, it's your turn. Finish eating and take out the trash!" Fritz said, "Close the door!"

The teacher got angry and said, "I want to see the principal." Fritz replied, "Yes, my friend, I am leaving you."

The teacher asked, "I have forgotten your name, what is it?" Fritz said, "I'm Superman! I'm Superman! You're nothing!"

"Who do you think I am?" asked the teacher, who had become very angry. Fritz replied, "Wow!"

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

Do you know the teacher that went up into space?

You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."

I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."

A man's daughter comes home from school and asks her dad if she can borrow the car.

The father replies, "No, it's too late at night."

The daughter says, "C'mon, Dad. I'll do anything."

The dad says, "OK, suck my dick."

The daughter says, "No, that's disgusting."

The dad says, "You want the car. You said you'll do anything."

The daughter agrees. Just as she is about to put her father's dick into her mouth, she stops and says, "Eww, Dad, your dick smells like shit."

The dad replies, "Yeah, well, your brother borrowed the car about an hour ago."

I said I ate an apple because I was hungry.

Your mini pecker is so small, the taxi driver said the ride was so short that he'd do it for free.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”