Said jokes

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.

"Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

Why did the cop ask the orphan if he was home alone?

The orphan said because my parents have never come back yet because I have none.

Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."

What did the Mexican say when a house landed on him?

Esé said, “Get off me, homes!”

This ain't a joke, but the Twin Towers said their favorite number is 911.

I dressed up as Darth Vader at an orphanage and said, "I am your father!"

Your momma so fat when she stepped on one scale, it broke. When she got another one, it said "TBC." She looked in the mirror, it broke.

Why did a Mexican go to Home Depot?

Because he thought it said "Home Deport."

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

What is it called when you talk in Panera Bread?

Panera said.

You're so ugly when a pig saw you, he said, "Yes, my brother is back."

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

A dog walked into a tavern and said, "I can't see a thing. I'll open this one."

The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

A dog walked into a tavern and said, “I can’t see a thing. I’ll open this one.” The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.

Yo, dad is so stupid, he brought the milk after two years, and he said, "Oh, sorry son. I'm going back to the store. Bye."

It's kinda sad seeing you attempt to put your whole vocabulary in one sentence. Oh wait, you only said three words.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.