Safety jokes
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?
I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
What's the difference between a trampoline and a child?
You take your shoes off before jumping on the trampoline.
"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.
When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...
What’s yellow and can’t swim? A school bus.
*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of screaming children.
A boy asked his dad for some money to buy an ice cream with, so he went to an ice cream van. Whilst he was in the queue, two boys asked him what flavor he was getting. He told them "strawberry." The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The ice cream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice cream for free.
When he got home, his dad also asked what flavor he bought. The boy said "strawberry." His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy, confused, walked down the street and was stopped by the police, who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice cream. The boy said, "That's me," and the policeman arrested him.
A week later in court, the boy was on trial. The judge asked, "Can you tell me what were you doing on the fifth of May?" (the day he was arrested) The boy said, "I was eating ice cream." The judge decided he was innocent. On the way out, the judge asked him what the flavor was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course, he answered with "strawberry." The judge, horrified, realized he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately, he couldn't change what had happened, so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died.
The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road.
Q. What’s the only good thing about child molesters?
A. They drive slow through school zones.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
What do you call a wet condom?
A wet condom.
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.
Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.