Safety jokes
Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
Why is it bad to climb a tree?
You might fall on an orphan! 🫥
When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
Q. What's the difference between a Kevlar vest and a CEO?
A. The CEO isn't bulletproof.
School shooting: Happens.
Foreign Exchange Student: Starts sobbing under desk.
American Student: "First time?"
How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?
Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.
Where do pedophiles go hunting?
Elementary schools.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
What's black and yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of orphans.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.