Safety jokes
When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
Memes
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
What is one good thing about pedophiles?
They drive slow in the school zone.
Why is it bad to climb a tree?
You might fall on an orphan! 🫥
My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?
Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.
Where do pedophiles go hunting?
Elementary schools.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
What's black and yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of orphans.
"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.