Safety jokes
A boy asked his dad for some money to buy an ice cream with, so he went to an ice cream van. Whilst he was in the queue, two boys asked him what flavor he was getting. He told them "strawberry." The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The ice cream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice cream for free.
When he got home, his dad also asked what flavor he bought. The boy said "strawberry." His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy, confused, walked down the street and was stopped by the police, who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice cream. The boy said, "That's me," and the policeman arrested him.
A week later in court, the boy was on trial. The judge asked, "Can you tell me what were you doing on the fifth of May?" (the day he was arrested) The boy said, "I was eating ice cream." The judge decided he was innocent. On the way out, the judge asked him what the flavor was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course, he answered with "strawberry." The judge, horrified, realized he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately, he couldn't change what had happened, so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died.
The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road.
*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.
Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
Why do an emo's parents not let them cook, because they are afraid they will cut themselves?
Stranger: Do you want a lollipop?
Kid: No, I hate lollipops, so yeah, and you are not my daddy.
Q. What’s the only good thing about child molesters?
A. They drive slow through school zones.
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
Why do boys feel safer at Ronald McDonald's House than Neverland Ranch?
Ronald McDonald's doesn't put his meat between boys' buns.
How do you tell if a blond is really stupid?
Put a scratch and sniff on a bleach pod.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of kids.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of screaming children.