Safety jokes
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
School shooting: Happens.
Foreign Exchange Student: Starts sobbing under desk.
American Student: "First time?"
My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."
Q. What's the difference between a Kevlar vest and a CEO?
A. The CEO isn't bulletproof.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?
Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Where do pedophiles go hunting?
Elementary schools.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
What's black and yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of orphans.
"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.