Safety jokes

Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.

When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.

What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?

They'll end up only throwing the pin.

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

When is a rapist safe around children?

When his plans are oven ready.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

School shooting: Happens.

Foreign Exchange Student: Starts sobbing under desk.

American Student: "First time?"

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

How to fall down the stairs:

Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.

How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.

Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?

All the exit signs were in English.

Best not leave hungry kids unattended!

When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.