Safety jokes
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?
The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....
When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
When is a rapist safe around children?
When his plans are oven ready.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
What is one good thing about pedophiles?
They drive slow in the school zone.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!