I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.
My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."
How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!
What is one good thing about pedophiles?
They drive slow in the school zone.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
School shooting: Happens.
Foreign Exchange Student: Starts sobbing under desk.
American Student: "First time?"
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
Roses are red, fishers are fishing,
I really hope you’ll be reported missing.
