You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!
Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
Why is it bad to climb a tree?
You might fall on an orphan! 🫥
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.
Roses are red, fishers are fishing,
I really hope you’ll be reported missing.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
What is one good thing about pedophiles?
They drive slow in the school zone.
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
