Safety jokes
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?
The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....
Memes
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
When is a rapist safe around children?
When his plans are oven ready.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
Why is it bad to climb a tree?
You might fall on an orphan! 🫥
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
What is one good thing about pedophiles?
They drive slow in the school zone.
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!