Safety jokes
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
Q: Why did Sally survive the car accident?
A: She hit an ambulance.
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
A kid and a man are walking into a forest at night.
Kid: "Mr., it's getting dark. I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart. I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
"Zre, um, be careful when using a gun, okay? And meh not fat, boy."
What did the traffic light say to the other?
🚦🚥🚦 Stop looking, I'm changing!
What Happens When You Get Caught On Fire?
— You Lost To Slmebody When You Were Playing Hide And Seek, And The Place Where You Got Caught Was Exactly On A Patch Of Fire.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Why did the pedo cross the road?
To get to the pre-school on the other side.
How can a man make the world safer?
By having the chop.
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
The S in America stands for safe.
If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.
Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair in a burning building?
Hot wheels! 😎
When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.
If at first you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.