Religion jokes

A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...

Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”

POV: Orphans rule the world.

God said, "I'm your dad," then kills himself.

The orphan: Waaaaaa!

Why did God give women legs?

1. To look at.

2. To wrap around your neck when you’re eating her out.

So I went to a church and I asked a friend, "Is the picture on the wall Jesus, and does it have three nails or one nail?" Oh wait, that's not Jesus, he is not doing the T pose that he invited.

What do orphans go to church for?

So they can call someone "father."

"Cheesus" hates me, yeah, I know, 'cause he's a real douchelord fictional character.

What do Middle Eastern suicide bombers say before they blow up?

I weel sho u wot da bom bom is! ALLAH!

God, aka Mr. Universe said he was God's gift to this earth, but where is he?

Why does Jesus hate Skittles?

Because they fall through his hands.

For his sake, I hope that heaven is wheelchair accessible...

How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus?

God fucked her.

At night in the Nunnery, one Nun says to the other Nun, "Where's the candle?" The other Nun says, "Doesn't it!"

When God make white people he said, "FUCK I'M OUT OF PAINT!"

When God said, "Let there be light," he got blinded because you reflected it off your forehead.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

The Virgin Mobile.

Your mama is so old, she made a book bigger than the Bible about her life.

Yo mama is so ugly that Satan started going to church!

The Pope drives around in a glass box, or as I like to call him, a sniper's dream.

Hanuman is a monkey.

Q: Why doesn’t Jimmy Swaggart worry about his premature ejaculation problem?

A: He believes in the second cumming.