Religion jokes

Stephen Hawking only went to hell because he couldn't get up the stairway to heaven.

What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits till you’re 13 to come on your face.

Jesus got rejected. A few years later he died. He came back just to lose his virginity because even Jesus is not a fucking cunt.

Get off this site and go have some sex, you fucking virgins.

What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?

They were both killed by Romans.

"F***, Jesus ate his stinky ass."

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.

What was Jesus's favorite food?

Answer: Snails

This isn't a joke.

There was a homeless family in need of a room, but the guy said no more rooms because they were homeless. So, they got into a barn, and the mother gave birth to a young healthy boy. Before you say anything bad to a homeless man, that little boy was born on December 25th. Guess who it is.

JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! STOP HURTING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND START HELPING THEM!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a pope/preacher and acne?

Acne comes on your face when you're 13.

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

The Fast of Ramadan

In the northwestern slice of Alaska known as Seward, a horseboy stood, with broom in hand, in the vast courtyard of the royal stables of the sultan. He was waiting for dusk to fall. All day long he had eaten nothing. He had not even tasted the leftover fish tucked in his turban nor the enormous purple grapes that spilled over the palace wall into the stable yard. He had tried not to sniff the rich, amazing, warm feeling fragrance of ripening of that sweet pomegranates.

For this was the sacred month of Ramadan when, day after day, all faithful Mohammedans neither eat nor drink from the dawn before sunrise until the moment after sunset!

A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."

The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."

A goat drank my Red Bull, so now it's a Baphomet!

I’m a god, and I’m here to flex on you bitches. My flight to New York on September 11th was rocky, but I lived.

Imagine dying on a plane, fr. At least try and respawn:/

What's the difference between an American police man and a Christian?

At least a Christian kneels in church.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a plank of wood?

A plank of wood can take nails to the extremities without screaming.

Ever looked at a cemetery and thought, wow, Heaven and Hell must be crowded?

Jesus has a twisted humor.

kittens cute cuddly and loveable oh yeah, I almost forgot, add razors that stick out [of] their feet.

What's the difference between MetaCareForAll and the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

One of them is an unrealistic fantasy that can never come true because it wouldn't work. The other one is the resurrection our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Why did the cow steal an AK-47?

He was a mooslim.