Religion jokes
God.
Jesus was being hung up on the cross, and me and all the other people at the bottom of the hill were watching. Jesus cries out,
"Peter, Peter come to me!"
So I climb up the hill on my hands and knees, and when I reach the top, the Romans cut off my arms and chuck me back down the hill.
"Peter, Peter come to me!" cries Jesus once more. I stumble up the hill, then the Romans cut my legs off and threw me back down. For the third time, Jesus cries,
"Peter, Peter come to me!". So I wriggle up the hill, and I guess the Romans pitied me and let me through.
"Look Peter, I can see my house from here!"
A German priest went to America for a few months. Unfortunately for him, he did not speak the best English. He stayed with a beautiful, young single woman who worked at a nearby orphanage.
Every day, he visited her in the orphanage, and he always brought her small gifts, and of course to the young children.
The young woman thought the priest was flirting with him, and she knew he was not married. She left that thought in the back of her mind for a few weeks.
A few weeks later, she finally brought up her nerve to ask him. She asked him why he always visited her, and why all the gifts for her and the children.
Of course, due to his bad English, he struggled a bit with his sentence, but he said in his thick German accent, "Vell, I visit you and your, your littles, because the kind girls here are very beautiful and cute."
She was quite amused, and blushed a bit. The man was also a bit nervous, and appeared to want to leave her office.
The Priest then excused himself, and went to read the orphans a bedtime story.
He then muttered to himself, "Ach, she's catching on to me! Stupid! Zey are called little girls and boys, not child boys and girls."
Why does God hate me?
Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.
Jesus is great because Jesus is good. Amen.
Memes
Me all of the time
What's the difference between a priest and a zit?
A: One waits until you're twelve to cum on your face.
What's similar between McDonald's and priests?
They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne doesn't cum on a kid's face 'til they're 13 or 14.
What's God's favorite Michael Jackson song? The Earth Song. 😍😍😍
Ever wonder why pride month is so hot?
It's just a free trial of what's to come for the celebrators...
Why is "T" well-respected, but more in its lowercase form?
It crossed the line with Jesus.
It says in the Bible to only think about what’s pure and lovely... So I’ve been thinking about you all day long.
Yo mama so black, when God saw her, he said, "Let there be light!" but twice.
Why did Jesus not win any Stanley Cups? Because he was cut from the team because he kept being pinned to the boards.
Why did Zayn Malik get his girlfriend to convert to Islam? So she can declare GiGIHADid.
I would curse at you, but my country praises cows.
Me: (Jaiden) Why are you crying? Do you know where your parents are?
Orphan: *Sobs* "No."
God, I love working at an orphanage!
A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.
After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.
And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"
God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"
What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?
Jah Bless.
If you believe in Allah, you will go straight to heaven, Mashallah! 😍