Bible Jokes

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f... altar boys

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. -- Which makes me an eighth theist.

I moved all the bibles to the fiction section because there is no god as said Stephen Hawking in 2011 but in 2018 god said there was no Stephen Hawking

The bible said, Adam and Eve.....So I did both.

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said "Are you going to ask for directions or what?".

What does the initials bible stand for? Bull In Book Lacking Evidence

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks? That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.

In the bible it says Jesus died for our sins but he came back to life so what did he sacrifice? Was it a weekend to wash away our sins?

YOOO Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

What does B.I.B.L.E. Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence Does it cycle now?

The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself. So I treat everyone like garbage

How does Moses make his cup of tea Hebrews it

Jesus said to his disciples "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life". Thomas came fifth however so he only got a toaster.

Jesus and Moses come back to earth. Moses says, let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before. So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before. Jesus quips, close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last. So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him, Moses says, hey it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

Did jesus cut his nails? No! His nails cut through him.