Bible Jokes

YOOO Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f... altar boys

What does B.I.B.L.E. Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence Does it cycle now?

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. -- Which makes me an eighth theist.

The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself. So I treat everyone like garbage

What does the initials bible stand for? Bull In Book Lacking Evidence

Three sons left home, went out into the world and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

'I built a big house for our mum,' said the first.

'I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur,' said the second.

And the third smiled and said, 'I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it.'

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

'The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house.'

To the second son she said, 'I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude.'

To the third son she wrote 'Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!'

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist

Jesus and Moses come back to earth. Moses says, let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before. So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before. Jesus quips, close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last. So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him, Moses says, hey it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before.

How does Moses make his cup of tea Hebrews it

Jesus said to his disciples "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life". Thomas came fifth however so he only got a toaster.

Why is the bible like a penis You get it forced down your throat by a priest

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

One day little Jonny and little Susan were in bible class and little susan had been tired that day so she kept falling asleep and the teacher said to little susan who is our lord and savier and little jonny poked her in the but with a push pin and she yelled JESUS CHRIST and the teacher goes thats right go back to be and then the next thing the teacher asked who gave up there son for our sins and little jonny poked her again and she yelled GOD AL MIGHTY and she says thats right go back to bed and the next quisten the teacher asked was what did ADAM SAY TO EVE after there 13th child little jonny poked her in the but again she yelled IF YOU STICK TAHT THING IN ME AGAIN I AM GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHUV IT UP YOUR OWN ASS AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

Men and women are not equal. Speaking biologically and mentally. I don't care what other feminists say. Men are naturally physically stronger, while women are more mentally stable. (Sometimes). The internet and the media will lie. You feminists say that you are stronger. Well, you wish. You can't hit a girl because she is more sensitive, but she says she is stronger. Like, what the hell? We're not sexist men, you're sexist women. And BTW, you'll rot in hell for hating God's creation. And also, man were created before woman. Search it up in the Bible or online.

I moved all the bibles to the fiction section because there is no god as said Stephen Hawking in 2011 but in 2018 god said there was no Stephen Hawking