Bible Jokes

Anonymous
in Jesus

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. – Which makes me an eighth theist.

3
Anonymous
in Priest

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f… altar boys

3
Depressed Onion
in Depression

The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself. So I treat everyone like garbage

Anonymous

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I’m an EIGTHeyist

Three sons left home, went out into the world and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they’d given to their elderly mum.

‘I built a big house for our mum,’ said the first.

‘I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur,’ said the second.

And the third smiled and said, ‘I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren’t so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it.’

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

‘The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house.’

To the second son she said, ‘I’m far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I’ve hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude.’

To the third son she wrote ‘Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!’

Thanos

I moved all the bibles to the fiction section because there is no god as said Stephen Hawking in 2011 but in 2018 god said there was no Stephen Hawking

Anonymous
in Dead Baby

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks? That’s probably because microwaves hadn’t been invented yet.

Llamabird
in Bisexual

The bible said, Adam and Eve…So I did both.

Anonymous
in Adult

What does the initials bible stand for? Bull In Book Lacking Evidence

Anonymous
in Bad

One day little Jonny and little Susan were in bible class and little susan had been tired that day so she kept falling asleep and the teacher said to little susan who is our lord and savier and little jonny poked her in the but with a push pin and she yelled JESUS CHRIST and the teacher goes thats right go back to be and then the next thing the teacher asked who gave up there son for our sins and little jonny poked her again and she yelled GOD AL MIGHTY and she says thats right go back to bed and the next quisten the teacher asked was what did ADAM SAY TO EVE after there 13th child little jonny poked her in the but again she yelled IF YOU STICK TAHT THING IN ME AGAIN I AM GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHUV IT UP YOUR OWN ASS AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT

watersharky

Bible Verse of The Day-For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. —Romans 8:15-16

Anonymous
in Woman

a man walks into a bar he see’s a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer, he gets on his hands and knees and prays to god out loud, the bar tender says, why are you praying? He says, because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand.

if you dislike your gay

What does the Bible stand for? Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

2
Anonymous
in Sentence

Suzy: How did johna fit in the whale? Teacher: Whales are very big but have small moths, so johna did not actually fit in the whale. Suzy: well the bible says he did Teacher: He did not Suzy: when I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven, maybe he went to hell Suzy: Than you can ask him.

Pickup Artist
in Pickup

It says in the Bible to only think about what’s pure and lovely… So I’ve been thinking about you all day long.

Allan C.

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses’ wife said “Are you going to ask for directions or what?”.

Anonymous
in Yo mama

Yo mama is so ugly she makes the devil read the bible

brucepee
in Priest

I had put the bible in the fiction section once.