Relationship jokes
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
What's the difference between my mum and my dad?
My mum stayed.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Why can't an orphan be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
Why can't an orphan have sex?
Because they can't scream "daddy!"