Relationship jokes
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!
Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."
"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"
"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
What's the difference between my mum and my dad?
My mum stayed.
Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Why can't an orphan be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."
Why can't an orphan have sex?
Because they can't scream "daddy!"
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-A-Likes.