Relationship jokes

Women are like dogs...

"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"

"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"

"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."

SHOES

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

Why can’t orphans be gay?

They have nobody to call "daddy" 😔

Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?

A knife has a point.

Quote for the day.

I looked this quote up, but it really is a good thing, just for starters.

"Sometimes you will never know the VALUE of a moment until it becomes a MEMORY."

Also, loving is so much more to give instead! Always remember to love!!! Best-Gwen :)

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

My sex life.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

Bf: Do you love me?

Gf: Most of the time.

Bf: Well, it's either yes or no.

Gf:...

Bf: Well, when is it that you don't love me?

Gf: 2:30 to 4:00. Every time when you go to the river an hour, then it takes me a half hour to love you again.

Bf: Why?

Gf: 'Cause you always see that OTHER GIRL.

Bf: MY LOVE! That other girl is my sister!!!

Gf: Ohh...

Little Jonny just came back from quarantine with his girlfriend, Sally.

They both said they had to go to the bathroom. When they came back, Sally was coughing up a storm. The teacher said, "You need to be quarantined again."

"No," Sally said, "I was just in the bathroom choking on something that grown-ups, especially women, like." Then the teacher faints.

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"