Relationship jokes

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

Girl, are you a rope? Because I want to hang with you.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

Why don’t cheetahs get married?

They always cheat on each other.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.

Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.

When an orphan takes a pic, is it known as a family picture? 📸

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.

What is the difference between a lesbian and a female prostitute?

If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

Life is like a penis, women make it hard.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.