Relationship jokes

Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.

Girl, are you a rope? Because I want to hang with you.

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad's c**k tastes like s**t!

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?

A. A boner.

Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.