Relationship jokes

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.

Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.

Life is like a penis, women make it hard.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad's c**k tastes like s**t!

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?

Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.

Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?

A. A boner.