Relationship jokes
"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."
When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.
POV them: What's one move to get a man motivated in bed?
Her: All you gotta give is that hawk tuah and spit on that thang, you get me?
What does the man cheeseburger say to the girl cheeseburger?
“You got nice buns!”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Why do any orphans have sex?
Because they can't call anyone "daddy."
Why can't orphans have a girlfriend?
They have no one to call "daddy."
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were walking down the street when a french fry caught the attention of Mr. Potato.
Mrs. Potato said: "I see you eye-balling that French girl!"
We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.
My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.
When your cousin dies and everybody thinks you're her.
FUCKING MENT
I want a bigger couch.
Why? You're going to be in the kitchen most of the time anyway.
My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.
I could never fall out of a boat because I've already fallen for you.
So, this woman woke up since she had a bad dream and was yelling about her bad dream. Then, in the bed, her husband woke up and said, "Hey! You just woke me up in a sweet dream!" She said, "Oh, sorry babe." Then she asked him what his dream was about, and he responded like, "I was with a woman; me and her was in the middle of dreamy sex; you just ruined it!" She said, "AAAAh!" He asked her what her dream was about, then she replied as, "I was trying to suck a man's penis, and a cock trying to get cummiee out of it!"
Ur mom gay.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad husband?
Because he doesn't stand up for his wife.
Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.
My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"
I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."
What is the similarity between women and freezers?
We like to put our meat in them.