Why can't an orphan get married? It doesn't have its parents' blessing.
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Why don’t cheetahs get married?
They always cheat on each other.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.
Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?
My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.
I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."
She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."
Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.
Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?
Son: Yes, why?
Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.
What is Alabama’s family tree? A circle.
What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.
Girl, are you a rope? Because I want to hang with you.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
Life is like a penis, women make it hard.
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
