Relationship jokes

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

How do you get a black girl to suck your meat?

Put barbecue sauce on it.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

How to get a girl in three steps:

Step 1: grab a pillow.

Step 2: grab a blanket.

Step 3: keep dreaming.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

Why don’t you see gay orphans at a daycare?

They have no one to call "daddy."

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!