Relationship jokes

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was too shallow.

"Lemme clap your girl's booty cheeks, daddy papi."

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.