Relationship jokes

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

Why don’t you see gay orphans at a daycare?

They have no one to call "daddy."

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

I like telling dad jokes.

He laughs at most of them.

A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.

How to get a girl in three steps:

Step 1: grab a pillow.

Step 2: grab a blanket.

Step 3: keep dreaming.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"

The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"

If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...

...is that a romantic jester?