Relationship jokes

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

How do you get a black girl to suck your meat?

Put barbecue sauce on it.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

I like telling dad jokes.

He laughs at most of them.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.

How to get a girl in three steps:

Step 1: grab a pillow.

Step 2: grab a blanket.

Step 3: keep dreaming.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

Why don’t you see gay orphans at a daycare?

They have no one to call "daddy."