Relationship jokes

What does a mother fear most?

Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was too shallow.

I had a good time with friends!

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

Why don’t you see gay orphans at a daycare?

They have no one to call "daddy."

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.