Relationship jokes

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”

Person 2: “What happened?”

Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”

Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”

Person 1: “I was in my car.”

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was too shallow.

I had a good time with friends!

"Lemme clap your girl's booty cheeks, daddy papi."

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

How do you get a black girl to suck your meat?

Put barbecue sauce on it.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵