Relationship jokes

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop and apply lubrication.

Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?

She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?

Caregiver.

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

Like this if you are a single Pringle like me.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.

What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.