Relationship jokes

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A U-Haul.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

Rizz

Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Roses are red. Lemons are sour. Open your legs, so I can devour.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.