Relationship jokes
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.
He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!
What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.
Are you a bowling ball? Because I want to stick 3 fingers in you.
My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.
Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."
Gf: "I luv u too."
Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."
Gf: "Ah, about that..."
My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
I like my women how I like my wine.
Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
Rizz
Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.
Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.
What does a lesbian bring on the second date?
A U-Haul.
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.
A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.