Relationship jokes

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Rizz

Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.

Roses are red. Lemons are sour. Open your legs, so I can devour.

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A U-Haul.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

Why do orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”!

What's the difference between a Lambo and a boner?

Your sister didn't give me a Lambo.

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

Man to woman: "Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

Woman: "Sure."

Man: "How about for ten dollars?"

Woman: "What do you think I am?"

Man: "We’ve already established what you are. All we’re doing is negotiating price."