Relationship jokes

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A U-Haul.

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?

$2 billion and high cholesterol.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

Man to woman: "Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

Woman: "Sure."

Man: "How about for ten dollars?"

Woman: "What do you think I am?"

Man: "We’ve already established what you are. All we’re doing is negotiating price."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

My wife is like a mirror.

I can never look at it.

Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.

He just moved back in with his mom.