Relationship jokes

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."

Gf: "You are a drug."

Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"

Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.

Jack got mad and kicked Jill in the ass because she couldn't make him cum.

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

What does an imouto ride?

Onii-san.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.