Relationship Jokes

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?

$2 billion and high cholesterol.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

Man to woman: "Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

Woman: "Sure."

Man: "How about for ten dollars?"

Woman: "What do you think I am?"

Man: "We’ve already established what you are. All we’re doing is negotiating price."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

Why do orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”!

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

How did the cow break up with the other cow? He said he moo-ved on.

A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.

The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"

What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.