Relationship jokes

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

What does an imouto ride?

Onii-san.

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

Q: What is a lesbian's version of a cock block?

A: A beaver dam.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage.

A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.

Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.

Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?

Son: Yes, why?

Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.