Relationship jokes

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

What does an imouto ride?

Onii-san.

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

Q: What is a lesbian's version of a cock block?

A: A beaver dam.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage.

Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.

Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?

Son: Yes, why?

Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.

A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.