Relationship jokes

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

Gf: "You are a drug."

Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"

Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."

Why was Helen Keller's belly button bruised?

Her boyfriend was blind too.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

What does an imouto ride?

Onii-san.

Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.

Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?

Son: Yes, why?

Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

Q: What is a lesbian's version of a cock block?

A: A beaver dam.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.