Relationship jokes
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.
How do you know you’re ugly?
If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
What do sex and food have in common?
My sister makes it better than my cousin.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Why are lesbians bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.
My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."
My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.
“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”
I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.
Found out I’m worth $3.97.
Rizz,
Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.
Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.
You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.
I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.
Roses are red. Lemons are sour. Open your legs, so I can devour.
My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.
My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.
Until I threw a watermelon in her face.
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
Why was the ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.
What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.