Relationship jokes

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

Why was the ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

How do you know you’re ugly?

If you always get handed the camera for group photos.

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

Why are lesbians bad at math?

Because they can't multiply.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"