Relationship jokes

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

Why was the ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.

How do you know you’re ugly?

If you always get handed the camera for group photos.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

Why are lesbians bad at math?

Because they can't multiply.

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

Name something you practiced kissing on as a kid.

Sister. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

Are you Wi-Fi? Because I think I am finding a connection.