A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.
Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"
My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"
Name something you practiced kissing on as a kid.
Sister. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?
They are all insane comebacks!!!
Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.
Are you Wi-Fi? Because I think I am finding a connection.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.
My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."
Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."
Off the nearby cliff.
The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
Friend: I broke up with Sara.
Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.
Friend: How did her pussy feel?
Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.
Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!
Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
