Relationship jokes
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
An orphan is like marriage. The kid is always the reason for divorce. The kid is always the reason for his parents leaving him.
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
What did the cow and bull do for their first date? - Dinner and a Moovie.
Memes
When you say "i love you" and she says "ily"
Husband: "I think I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it."
Wife: "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it."
A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
Like if your dad is abusive.
Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
Incest.
When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?
He had an affair with Alexa.
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"
I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.
Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.
Me: Guess who came crawling right back?
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.