Relationship jokes
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?
Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
What is happening? Which is better: being loved or being hated? State your answer.
Why can't an orphan be gay? Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy."
Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.
Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.
Rey: Join me, Ben, you don't have to be alone anymore, join me.
Ben: But Rey, I've always been solo.
I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.
Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
Why was the orphan single? Because it could not call someone "daddy".
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marrahwanah.
Jack got high, slapped her thigh, and then they had some fun.
Jill forgot to take her pills, and now they have a son.
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!