Relationship jokes

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marrahwanah.

Jack got high, slapped her thigh, and then they had some fun.

Jill forgot to take her pills, and now they have a son.

Why was the orphan single? Because it could not call someone "daddy".

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?

sue the dating site for matching her with him.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

An orphan is like marriage. The kid is always the reason for divorce. The kid is always the reason for his parents leaving him.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "daddy".

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.