Incest.
When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.
Me: Guess who came crawling right back?
I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.
My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?
He had an affair with Alexa.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
Why does a heterosexual man believe that if a heterosexual man gets his dick sucked by another heterosexual man it's called a "brojob"?
Because it's male bonding.
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.
I dated a furry once.
The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
