Relationship jokes

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

Man to woman: "Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

Woman: "Sure."

Man: "How about for ten dollars?"

Woman: "What do you think I am?"

Man: "We’ve already established what you are. All we’re doing is negotiating price."

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

Name something you practiced kissing on as a kid.

Sister. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?

They are all insane comebacks!!!

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

Are you Wi-Fi? Because I think I am finding a connection.

I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."

A proud new dad sits down with his own father.

His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.

The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."

Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."

Off the nearby cliff.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.