I like my women how I like my wine.
Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.
Are you a bowling ball? Because I want to stick 3 fingers in you.
My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."
What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.
I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.
He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!
Kenny can't find a girlfriend because neither of his sisters can fuck as good as his mom could.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
Rizz
Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.
Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.
My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."
Roses are red. Lemons are sour. Open your legs, so I can devour.
My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.
What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.
