Relationship jokes
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
Your mama is so ugly, her shadow got a restraining order.
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:
Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?
My girlfriend asked, "Why is this test so long and hard?"
I then said, "You know what else is long and hard..."
She was amazed!
What are twins’ favorite fruit?
Pairs 🍐.
Why woman?
FaceBook Story: My mom loves FaceBook; she literally posts every day, but this day was sort of a hard hit.
So what happened was my mom got tired of her old name on Facebook, so she changed it to Thatmilf85, and I don't want to explain what milf means, but she got a lot of DM's from a lot of old guys. BUT, this one exact guy named Johnny Sins asked my mom if she wanted to do an adult film. I don't know what that is. I think it's an adult movie, of course, so she says yes and flies out to San Diego, and she never came back after yesterday, and to YOU Johnny Sins, my mom better be Ok and that adult film better be an adult movie and not a por...
Your mom and dad are never coming back because dad is cumming for another kid.
Your mom.
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
Would you rather date me or a lady?
I laid deez nuts in your mouth.
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
"What is your number?" "Hi."
Your mom has a bone to pick with me.
Friend: Do you know him?
Other Friend: Know who?
Friend: My dick!
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have nobody to call "Daddy~"
What's long, hard, and full of semen?
Answer: Me.
Why do you want me?
Cus u like me...
What do you mean?
You love me.
No.
Look down.