Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!
Incest is wincest (That was above) Fun for the whole family! Next of kin, count me in!
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
Wait, I can explain everything!
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
What's the best thing about dating a blind chick?
She can't identify you.
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very EGGxiting, all though, I was EGGxaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then your hard boiled, that’s all for today YOLKS, so I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a CATastrophe, these kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be KITTEN me.” Mean while, in the ocean, they just waved, SEA what I did there? You SHORE you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too DEEP for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had NO BODY. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He B*NED her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
i told my mom that i have a crush she replied with: "so u like girls" i said: "uhm no no no " BUT im lesbian someone help how do i tell her without her hitting me with a belt??
So I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: not again brother I'm only 8
what makes a nuke and divorce the same?
it only takes one of each to end your life.
A wife says to her husband 'you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back' 'what do you expect' he says 'you're in a fucking wheelchair'
When you meet your gf at the family reunion
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video
I DIDNT FART MY ASS LIKES YOU SO MUCH IT JUST BLEW YOU A KISS!
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said "they're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said "they're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said "they're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
I was hunting at night for deer and then I found one and shot it, I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Him: What's The Difference Between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, Either way you will be dating your Cousin
