Relationship jokes

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

Your family tree looks like a circle 💀💀💀

Are you a knife? Because damn, I want you inside of me ;)

My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

A new game the whole family can play...

Incest.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."