Relationship jokes

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

"WASSUP GIRLS IF I FIND YOU I'LL GLADLY FUCK YOU;]"

Yo momma's so ugly, when she threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?

"Want to see if it fits?"

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"

The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"

The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"

The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"

The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.