Relationship jokes

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

What are the similarities between a blind person and an orphan?

Neither can see their parents.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not your dad.

You can say he is not your type until you realize your type is not typing.

Are you a ghost train? Because I am going to scream when I ride you.

You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna!"

Jill said yes, lifted up her dress, and then they had some fun,

But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

"Suck me off, daddy, I'm doing homework."

Bully: I can't understand you because I don't speak ugly language.

Me: And I don't speak idiot language.

I was an orphan as a kid, but I have never had a bitch, so I asked this cheerleader to homecoming, and she said, "Mofo, you are only coming to hoco because you need a home to go to!"

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

A man will actually look for the golf ball.

What do both a hooker and a customer have in common? They come onto each other.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."

I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.

I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...

I was raised as an only child, which I think was hard for my brother.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”