Relationship jokes

What do you call a downy who can't get a girlfriend?

Down bad.

Yeah, Eli is hot.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

I don't know, I don't have one.

She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.

Your nan.

Don't flirt when there is Life Alert!

Edna: Hey there big boy!

Big boy: You need to stop doing this.

"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."

And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"

I will be back, I'm gonna get milk...

Me:...

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, he died to a landmine.

Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.

He shouts “you stupid cunt!”

The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”

Dodi replies...:

“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”

I asked what was her favorite type of magic. She said, "the one you make."

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

What's worse, being loved or hated? 'Cause when you're loved you could be left alone or be betrayed, but when you're hated no one's there to leave you. What do you think?

I was raised as an only child, which I think was hard for my brother.

You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

A man will actually look for the golf ball.

I want a relationship.

*Masturbates*

I don't want a relationship.