Relationship jokes

I fucked your mum!

Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?

Little Johnny: "Your wife."

Heard the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.

I love friends.

How did the cow break up with the other cow? He said he moo-ved on.

I need a lovely lady to spoil. I have big dick. Add me.

Snapchat- any.bry05

What do people have that orphans don't? A family.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

What is the other word for an orphan?

Paren't.

What did the Joker say to Harley Quinn?

Nothing.

You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"

I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

What do you get when you cross mums and makeup?

Beauty!

Pussy = drugs.

Hoes be like, "I've been through a lot."

No, a lot's been through you.

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.