My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.
My girlfriend's a two, but she's turning three tomorrow.
Are you Shane Dawson?
Because I can be your pussy.
I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.
The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"
Dad: "Honey, I'll be right back. I need to get some papers."
Me: "Okay." *Falls asleep.*
*Wakes up in an adoption center.*
Damn, it was those kind of papers.
You text someone to ask them why they snobbed you. Then they snob you again.
@everyone.. what's so funny is that JIT thinks he's so "cool" and that everyone is "amazed" about him hating on people who is wayyy above him on the roster.
The pathetic part is that he hates on everyone else's family and relationships when 100% of us have a WAYY better one than he will ever deserve. He was born pathetic, and will die pathetic. So JIT, please tell me what it's like to be such a coward?
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
I asked my sister to say something.
She said, "No."
That's what I like to hear.
My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."
Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.
Your so broke your mom can't afford your daddy.
1, 2 you built like a dork.
3, 4 you got no girl, 4, 5 you're shorter than a remote.
Gays: I like men.
Straight: I like women.
Bisexual: A hole is a hole.
I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."
I love telling dad jokes. He always laughs.
Roses are red, violets are fine, you'll be the 6 and I'll be the 9.
A man's daughter comes home from school and asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
The father replies, "No, it's too late at night."
The daughter says, "C'mon, Dad. I'll do anything."
The dad says, "OK, suck my dick."
The daughter says, "No, that's disgusting."
The dad says, "You want the car. You said you'll do anything."
The daughter agrees. Just as she is about to put her father's dick into her mouth, she stops and says, "Eww, Dad, your dick smells like shit."
The dad replies, "Yeah, well, your brother borrowed the car about an hour ago."
If you buy a Renault Megane, all your girls will be gone.
What’s the difference between milk and the air?
At least the air will always be there for me.
