Relationship jokes
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.
The things you do for your cousins!
A nickname to call your short GF:
Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."
I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.
Like it’s my next meal.
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.
His wife was up waiting for him.
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.
The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?
"Wanna hang together?"
Who am I rooting for during the Super Bowl? Easy. Taylor Swift.
What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
What do sex and food have in common?
Grandma makes both better.
My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.
Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."