Profession jokes
How did the carpenter do on his interview? He nailed it!
3.14% of sailors are pirates.
I have a really good construction joke.
But I'm still working on it.
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
Q: What do you call a black prostitute in space?
A: The Blackhole.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
FIRST DATE
Man: "I work with animals every day." Woman: "Oh, how sweet! What is it that you do?" Man: "I'm a butcher..."
What's the difference between me and a hairdresser? We both cut too much.
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start :)
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
I lick poo for a living... You?
What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?
A panhandler.
Niall Devine, clown.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
I'm a clown.
What do you call a rapper with a PhD?
A rap scholar.
Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- The doorbell repairer.
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.