Profession jokes

Why did the rapper become a chef?

Because he knew how to cook up FRESH BEETS!

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Why was the rapper so good at math?

Because he knew how to count his bars!

What do you call a Panera Bread doctor?

A Panera med.

What is a similarity between priests and doctors?

They both have fetishes for their professions.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

Why don't we have female magicians?

'Cause the last ones got hanged.

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

I lick poo for a living... You?

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.

How do you make a plumber die?

You kill his family.

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

What do you call a rapper who becomes a chef?

A LYRICAL COOK!

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

My career is worth more than your adoption.

What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?

Doctor Bones.