Profession jokes
How did the carpenter do on his interview? He nailed it!
What do you call an engineer that bakes? A BAKENEER!
Why don't we have female magicians?
'Cause the last ones got hanged.
What do you call a Panera Bread doctor?
A Panera med.
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?
Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!
Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.
I lick poo for a living... You?
Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!
Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.
3.14% of sailors are pirates.
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he knew how to cook up FRESH BEETS!
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
Why was the rapper so good at math?
Because he knew how to count his bars!
My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.
How do you make a plumber die?
You kill his family.
My career is worth more than your adoption.