Profession jokes

Why don't we have female magicians?

'Cause the last ones got hanged.

Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

I lick poo for a living... You?

3.14% of sailors are pirates.

Why was the rapper so good at math?

Because he knew how to count his bars!

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.

Why did the rapper become a chef?

Because he knew how to cook up FRESH BEETS!

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.

How do you make a plumber die?

You kill his family.

What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.

Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.

Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.

What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?

Doctor Bones.

Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.

Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.

But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."

Why did the baker's hands smell of shit?

He kneaded a turd.

My career is worth more than your adoption.

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start :)

Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- The doorbell repairer.