Profession jokes
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One to trust and the other to thrust.
What is a Care Bear's favorite job?
Take care of bears.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?
He was a great veterinarian.
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.
The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"
The teacher said, "What about the kids?"
The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."
The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One is for Sunday morning, and one is for Sunday night.
Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?
They all shoot people for a living.
What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?
My dick.
What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?
Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
What do strippers and butter have in common?
Both spread for bread.
What do you call a rapper who works in the bakery?
DOUGH-KNIGHT
What do you call a rapper with a PhD?
A rap scholar.
Why did the rapper bring a map to the recording studio?
Because he heard they were dropping TRACKS.
What do you call a rapper who's also a firefighter?
BLAZE RHYMES.
What do you call a rapper who's also a doctor?
Dr. Dre.
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he wanted to drop some HOT PLATES.