Profession jokes

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

What does a male Asian P*rnstar like to say?

"I love eating cat."

What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!

What time is it when a nurse's here?

It's nurse-thirty.

Being a man that is poor really isn't that bad as long as you are involved in the world's oldest profession and you are well-endowed and you are not homophobic and as long as you can suck the chrome off a tailpipe then you have nothing to worry about if you are desperate enough to pay your bills.

Lack of money is the root of all evil. 😊

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

Why did the prostitute lose all her money?

Because she got f*cked.

A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.

boss: "We have to let you go."

surgeon: "I protest innocence."

boss: "How?"

surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."

boss: "Get out!"

I’m a clown...

And everyone knows.

What is an astronaut's favorite button? A space bar.

What's the difference between a hooker and a burrito?

I don't eat burritos.

Okay, what do you call a dummy that writes a dumb writer?

What do you call a blind photographer? A waste of money.

What did the owl that's a detective say?

"Hoo did it?"

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One is for Sunday morning, and one is for Sunday night.

Why are carpenters never horny after work?

Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.