Profession jokes
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.
What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?
A panhandler.
What do you call an Asian receptionist?
Tai Ping.
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.
I didn't come into the prostitution business...
It came into me.
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.
I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.
... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.
What do you call an expert fisherman?
A "MASTER-BAITER".
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.