Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."
What do dairy products praise? Cheeseus.
Velcro is such a rip-off.
I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.
Someone should start a vaping company with the slogan: "Vapes that hit harder than your dad." Sales would skyrocket.
What do you call a suicide bomber under the water?
A bath bomb.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of...
I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."
Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?
No more tears.
Lynx, where the fuck are you? This is Dagger Jr. (Proof in comments).
Your brith certificate is like a apology from the condom factory...
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldnβt support Windows.
What are cheetahs' favorite chips?
Cheetah Puffs!
my favorite bath bomb is a toaster.
I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.
He one day said his business was "remarkable."
The inventor of the umbrella was just going to call it "brella," but he hesitated.
What do you call it when you drop a bottle of food dye?
"It's dye-ing."
