Product jokes

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.

If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of...

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

What do dairy products praise? Cheeseus.

I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.

Someone should start a vaping company with the slogan: "Vapes that hit harder than your dad." Sales would skyrocket.

What do you call a suicide bomber under the water?

A bath bomb.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.

Velcro is such a rip-off.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

So THEN I bought a LED whistle but it steel wooden LED me whistle.

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?

No more tears.

Lynx, where the fuck are you? This is Dagger Jr. (Proof in comments).

I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.

Your birth certificate is like an apology from the condom factory...

Look for the Gummy Bear album in stores on November 13th, with lots of music, videos, and extras!

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

Did you hear? There is a new toy for boys ages 2-10. It's called Jackson. A tiny white doll, with black Jackson. Get it while supplies last.