Do you want to buy my Hoover?
I mean... it's just collecting dust.
Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."
What do dairy products praise? Cheeseus.
I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.
Someone should start a vaping company with the slogan: "Vapes that hit harder than your dad." Sales would skyrocket.
What do you call a suicide bomber under the water?
A bath bomb.
Velcro is such a rip-off.
I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
So THEN I bought a LED whistle but it steel wooden LED me whistle.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of...
I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."
Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?
No more tears.
Lynx, where the fuck are you? This is Dagger Jr. (Proof in comments).
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Your birth certificate is like an apology from the condom factory...
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
What are cheetahs' favorite chips?
Cheetah Puffs!
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment!
