What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.
Now they call him Hot Wheels.
I'm shocked that Kanye West never tried to get Carrie Underwood's number after Carrie starred in a pro-Aryan ad for Almay.
Friend: I broke up with Sara.
Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.
Friend: How did her pussy feel?
Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.
Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!
What kind of car does Yoda drive? A Toyoda.
I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
What’s a kidnapper's favorite shoe brand?
White vans.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo?
Head N Shoulders.
What is Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo? Head and Shoulders.
What's Juice WRLD's favorite place to shop at?
Answer: Forever 21.
What did the HP say to a Dell?
Hello!
KFC doesn't mean Kentucky Fried Chicken, it means "Kill Fat Children."
What do you call a sped kid in a wheelchair that caught on fire?
Hot Wheels.
I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Yea, they found her “head and shoulders“ on the backseat of her car.
What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.
Your hairline looks like the McDonald's logo!
Why did the pervert sing "Gucci Gang"?
Because a woman just gave him a lil pump.
