Person jokes
I am a beautiful person.
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
Person: Bro, you have a bad and stupid life.
Me: Yeah, it was all good till you were here!
Person: WTF!
Why did the mushroom go to the party??
Because he was a fungi!
Person 1: “You assume I’m gay because I have rainbow hair, I’m wearing a rainbow shirt, and I have a rainbow pride flag behind me?”
Person 2: “You assume I’m disabled because I have deformed arms and limbs, no legs, and I ride around in a wheelchair?”
Shut the hell up with all these Stephen Hawking jokes, hahah. I wanna kms.
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
What do you call a disabled person called Gerald?
GERALD!
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?
My clothes don't hang themselves...
How do you punish a blind kid?
Move to a new house.
An emo tried to give me a high five...
I left him hanging.
What do you call a pedophile who's dying? You.
Say _______ is so flat that when someone hit them, they got a paper cut!
A fat person with autism is a bit like decent sunscreen... A broad spectrum.
When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
What do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common?
One's the pull it out everyone wants to be their friend.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.