I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
Why did the United Nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public?
because the french government was using the guillotine in public on newborn baby boys for circumcision.
Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?
Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.
If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.
In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested.
In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.
If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom... Until they are flashing behind you!
What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS?
If you stop giving money to a church, you won't go to prison.
What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
I saw two men wearing the same clothing and walking together, so I asked both of them if they were gay. They did not hesitate arresting me after I said that.
"Don’t be dumb, make sure she’s numb."
- Bill Cosby
Why did the orphan commit mass murder?
To be on top of the wanted list.
Woman one: I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell! Woman two: Did that work? Woman one: Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house.
